Here at Lifesong, we want to honor birth mothers who make the courageous choice to pursue an adoption plan. Today we welcome Guest Contributor Abbey to the blog.

I was five months along when I learned I was pregnant.

I had gone to an emergency room 20 miles out of town because I couldn’t get answers for some strange ongoing health symptoms I was having. Pregnancy hadn’t even crossed my mind.

When doctors told me the news, I had no words.

My husband and I were already in the process of ending our difficult marriage, and functionally, I was a single mother to our one young son.

Not going to lie. I considered abortion. I was scared.

Then I learned I was carrying twins.

The ultrasound tech delivered the news, no doubt expecting me to be excited. Instead, I had a full-fledged panic attack.

“I knew I couldn’t be the best mom I could be to three kids under three while working a full-time job. So I called my mom and told her I wanted to choose adoption.”

My mom said, “Let’s pray about it.”

But I had kind of lost my relationship with God at that point. Many long years in a difficult marriage and life will do that.

My mom called the pregnancy agency through her church and made an appointment for me to meet with Kristin, an options counselor who helps women with an unexpected pregnancy.

I went into labor on my birthday in May.

But the girls weren’t due until July.

Once I was at the hospital, they had to stop my contractions long enough to air flight me to a hospital that had a NICU.

I gave birth the next day, but I didn’t yet have a family picked out to adopt the babies.

My mom brought family books to the hospital.

It was important to me that the family I interviewed be the right family, because I couldn’t imagine being in their position and waiting for a call.

So I had two interviews set up. I met with the first family and canceled the second one because I didn’t want to get the hopes up for the other family.

I was told Zoom meetings between birth mothers and families typically last 15 or 20 minutes and can be awkward. But that first Zoom meeting with the family I chose lasted almost an hour. We just clicked.

“I knew adoption was the best decision I could make for the girls.”

I think God had a part in the decision because I’m still able to be part of their lives.

Sometimes adoptees struggle with anger and resentment toward their birth mothers because they didn’t get any kind of explanation. So I’ve been keeping a journal since the day they were born. And someday I’ll give it to them with their parents next to me. We’ll talk about it as a group.

The girls will be two this year.

Choosing adoption was hard, but it was the best decision I ever could have made.

“I want to share my story because I want people to understand that it’s ok. Making an adoption plan doesn’t mean you’re a bad mother.”

I’m sure if you had looked at me from the outside, you wouldn’t think I’d ever consider adoption. I was married, I had a child, and I had a career. Why would I even consider adoption?

But people never really know the whole story, do they? My life was really hard, and I knew I couldn’t bring twin girls into it. It wouldn’t be fair to any of us.

We’re going to be ok.

I have a good support system, and recently, I started going back to church. Building my relationship with God is helping me heal.

If I could talk to someone who’s considering ending a pregnancy I would say, “If you terminate a pregnancy, you’re going to lose the baby. And you’re going to experience postpartum no matter what option you choose. Why not choose another family and save a life?”

I want the twins to know I want them to have the best life possible.

I don’t expect them to understand my decision, but I hope they know I chose what I truly believed was best for them, and they are exactly where they belong. And I still love them.

After six years without peace in my life, I finally have peace again.