What Your Child’s Birth Mom Wants You to Know

We’re honored to lift up various voices from the adoption triad: the child, the birth parents, and the adoptive parents. Adoption is life-changing for everyone involved, including birth moms. Unfortunately, birth moms’ voices often go unheard. We’re grateful for Dominique White and her courage to share her heart and perspective as a birth mother with us—

3 years ago, I placed my 2-day-old son in the arms of another woman.

I chose her to love, cherish, support, and care for him for the rest of his life. But then, soon after, she became someone I viewed as my enemy—someone I was reminded of when I laid in my puddle of tears.

As I grieved, I blamed her for all of my hurt.
I envied her.
She was everything I wanted to be but wasn’t.

By the grace of God, this same woman would soon become one of my closest friends.

She would be someone I laughed with, cried with, prayed for, and loved deeply. As she and her husband pursued me, my life changed. My heart softened. As they leaned in, I began to crave more of that relationship.

I experienced a love that I never knew—love that allowed me to be fully known and still forgiven, love that didn’t envy or blame—a love that challenged me and changed me.

Three years later

Today I see myself in a whole new light, but sometimes the world doesn’t see me that way. You see, being a birth mom isn’t something we’re taught to be proud of. It’s hard. Sometimes we’re looked at as less than. The worst part is that judgment can often (even unintentionally) come from the adoptive parents.

Here’s a list of 5 things that your child’s birth mom wants you to know—

1. I am not broken.

Please don’t try to fix me. I’m not a charity case or a “story” to be part of. I’m strong and courageous. I gave birth to the child you love.

2. I love my child, period.

When I was pregnant, I would close my eyes and dream of the life I wanted my son to have, but when I opened them I realized it was exactly that—just a dream. I couldn’t provide what I wanted him to have so badly. So, I placed him for adoption out of a place of love. You don’t have to agree or understand. It is a decision I made as a mother.

3. I am not a stereotype.

Please do not compare me to the birth mom you heard about on the news or the birth mom you follow on Instagram. My life is not a Lifetime movie. Some of us have drug addictions and some of us don’t. Some of us were teen moms and some of us weren’t. And some of us came from a hard background and some of us didn’t. None of us are the same. Don’t judge. Don’t assume. Learn to know my truth not just her truth.

4. My grief was not just God’s plan for someone else’s family.

God did not break me down just to lift someone else up. He did not injure my heart in order to repair theirs. He allowed me to make my own decisions because He loves me. And He brought me out of the darkness. He didn’t lock me in it.

5. I am capable.

I am also:

  • more than what you read on a paper from the adoption agency
  • not forever chained to my past

And I am capable of:

  • doing more and being better
  • growth
  • capable of healthy relationships and love
  • healing
  • a future brighter than the sun

Please do not label me and chain me to my past. Because I am more than the story that has already been written. I can change. I am changed.

Please be patient. Please be kind. And please do not judge me. Help me, walk with me, encourage me, and love me.

We’re in this together.

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